Chapter 15
They met up at the station at 9pm. Ryo and Massu where first, after a while Koyama and Shige arrived. Yamapi and Shige came last. They waitet outside for the two of them and as soon as Tegoshi noticed Ryo, he pulled his hand out of Yamapi’s and stepped a bit away from him. With a guilty conscience he didn’t dare to look into Ryo’s eyes as they greeted each other. He didn’t even know whether Ryo had seen their hands intertwined or not. As well as he didn’t know why he felt so guilty. I did nothing wrong, he tried to justify himself, but it didn’t work as he found himself being surrounded by Ryo and Yamapi at each of his sides again.
His heartbeat fastened as they walked to a near restaurant, headed in and where led to their seats. Of course he had to sit down between Yamapi and Ryo again. Yabai…They’re not making it any easier for me this way at all! Tegoshi thought. He felt as if his current position resembled the condition of his heart. Torn up… He looked up at Yamapi to his right side, who was giving him this warm, calm and serious look. And then he turned his head to Ryo at his left, who was smiling at him with his far too cute big-brother-smile. Then he looked down at the menu on the table in front of him. He sighed. It feels wrong to like both of them. It’s not fair. If Ryo would’ve not been so caring and straightforward it would’ve been so easy. I’ve loved Yamapi for so long now. I want him to hold me. He is so steady and grown-up. But Ryo-chan…I feel good when I’m with him. He makes me smile. He cares for me. He’s watching me and it makes me happy that he can’t take his eyes off me. He’s there for me when I need him. Damn…I know I have to decide…but it would hurt one of them. I don’t want to make them sad. I don’t want to lose neither of them…
“Yu-chan, what’s wrong?”
“Eh?” Tegoshi looked up. Everybody was staring at him. He hadn’t noticed Ryo had spoken to him.
“Sorry, I’ve dreamt. What did you say?”
“I’ve asked whether you’ve already decided on what to eat.” Ryo said and the aware, worrying look in his eyes was not unseen by Yamapi. He hated the way Ryo was always watching Tegoshi. It was like he was observing him the whole time, every step, every movement, every expression – non-stop. It was like Ryo feared that Tegoshi might run away. And it made Yamapi so mad to see Ryo’s eyes stuck to Tegoshi.
“Ehm…I’m taking the same like you.” Tegoshi forced a smile full of wobbliness. He knew Ryo noticed everything he did and Yamapi sensed every change in his mood. It was tiring to be on guard so much in order to not worry either of them or to prevent awkward questions or gazes. Oh please...he thought annoyed. Can’t they stop it at least for a single moment? It was okay to be with just one of them. He enjoyed the time he spent with either Yamapi or Ryo. But to be with both was just horrible.
Tegoshi didn’t get the slightest bit of the conversation that started between the other members immediately after they’d ordered. He used the time to rest inside his head and to calm down his thoughts. He neither noticed that Yamapi kind of boasted with the fact that Tegoshi bought the cotton candy for him, nor did he sensed the gazes from Ryo which rested on him the whole time. He didn’t even move his eyes away from Tegoshi when the waiter served them their food. Ryo didn’t mean to give Tegoshi a creepy feeling. He just wanted Tegoshi to look at him for at least a second, so that Ryo could see whether he was alright or not. But Tegoshi never once looked up the whole night. Not even a single time he answered to a question Ryo asked. Ryo’s only comfort was that he didn’t react to Yamapi either.
So when they got back to the hotel Ryo and Tegoshi went off alone to their room in silence. Ryo didn’t know what to say and he had the suspicion that Tegoshi wouldn’t answer anyway. When they arrived in their room Tegoshi immediately went into the bath-room, locked the door and a second later Ryo heard the sound of the shower. With a sad sigh he sat down at the bet and waited in impatience. Ten minutes later Tegoshi came out. He saw Ryo sitting there, stopped and then quickly looked away when their eyes met. That was too much for Ryo. It was too obvious. “Oy, don’t ignore me!” he said and his voice was much harsher than he’d intended it to be. Tegoshi answered with the same tone: “How could I? You’re observing me non-stop! I would welcome it if I could ignore you.”
Ryo bit his lip. Tegoshi’s hurtful remark hit home. He said nothing. Tegoshi seemed to spot that he’d said something wrong. So he finally looked at Ryo after all and saw him with sunken shoulders and a heartbreaking expression on his face. Tegoshi fought with himself, but then he said: “Gomen ne, Ryo-chan…I didn’t mean it…” Ryo didn’t react. With four steps Tegoshi was by his side and knelt down in front of him. That way Ryo was forced to look at Tegoshi, whose baby-eyes made him feel even worse. “Please stop it…” he said pleadingly in a soft voice.
“Stop what?” Tegoshi wanted to know.
“Looking at me like that. It’s unfair.”
“Eh?”
“You don’t know how cute and innocent you are.” Ryo groaned and let his face fall down into his hands. His voice was as husky as always, but this time it had also a hurtful, overwrought sound in it. “But I know.” He whispered. “I know far too well. I can’t get enough of your cute face. It makes me happy to see you. It makes me realize how precious you are; how important you are to me.” He paused for moment. Tegoshi heard how he took a breath. “But recently you stopped smiling. I didn’t know this is because of me…”
“Oh Ryo! It’s not because of you!”
“Liar. You’re just saying this in order to not hurt me.”
Tegoshi said nothing and Ryo let out a bit, husky laughter. “See, I’m right. Exposed.”
“Okay…It is because of you. At least a half.” Tegoshi admitted. “It’s just that…Well…” His voice broke off.
“So, what?”
Tegoshi sighed and then looked down. “It’s so complicated…” he said quietly. How could he tell Ryo that he suspected he was in love with both, Ryo and Yamapi? It was impossible that he would tell Ryo, wasn’t it?
Ryo looked at him with his special gaze. This special gaze, which made Tegoshi’s heart go crazy, his knees weak and wobbly and his mind blank. That moment Tegoshi knew that he felt more for Ryo than he’d thought. Maybe too much. Could you be too much in love with a person when there’s already another one important to your heart? Was it possible for one person to love more than one human so much it hurts? Could you die from the pain a confused heart causes?
Tegoshi’s heart hurt so much. And his head knew it was wrong. It was wrong to have such feelings for more than one person. Stupid heart. Didn’t it know that something like this was forbidden?
Tegoshi felt the touch of some warm hands gently stroking his cheeks. Ryo’s hands.
Without noticing it tears have fallen down from Tegoshi’s chin. Carefully he laid his head into Ryo’s cupping hands. It felt good, this feeling of being comforted, although he knew he didn’t deserve it.
“Ryo…” Tegoshi whispered the name, just to know how it tasted like in that very moment. It tasted so sweet some days ago, like pure honey and he hasn’t known why. Now he knew, and it felt bittersweet. Weird how much the realization of love can change a name…He felt as if he had to cry again. He wasn’t sure whether it was okay, so he held back a big fat cratching sob in his throat, though it hurt so much even more tears would sum up in his eyes.
“Oh dear…There’s no need to.” He hear Ryo whispering back and felt even more terrible. Who was he to make Ryo worry about him so much? And the most terrible thing was that something was inside him - this egoistic not-caring part - that enjoyed it. That really enjoyed being shepherded. He was torn apart and he just used poor Ryo-chan for his own heart’s sake. “Ryo…” Tegoshi was sobbing now anyway. “You don’t know…You don’t understand.” He sounded so desperate.
“I don’t understand what?” Ryo asked as he didn’t have a blue what was troubling Tegoshi. “Yu-chan…I don’t get it.”
But Tegoshi pushed him away and shied away from him. “I don’t deserve your gentleness.” He said with a broken voice. Even his stomach hurt when he said it. “I don’t deserve any of this. You’re too kind, too caring… I don’t deserve you, Ryo. I am not good eno-“ But Ryo cut him off by suddenly pressing his soft lips onto Tegoshi’s, whose eyes tore open in surprise.
“Why do you have such stupid thoughts?” Ryo asked in a love voice when they parted away. “I’d never say you’re not good enough for me. Why are you wearing yourself down? Is it because of Yamapi?”
Tegoshi just stared at Ryo, still paralyzed by the unexpected kiss. His lips felt so different now, he feared to have to realize they weren’t his anymore if he would just open them to speak.
“Yu-chan…” Ryo’s husky voice echoed in Tegoshi’s ear. “There’s no need to. Forget him. Forget everything about him. I wouldn’t be here four you if I wouldn’t think of you as one of the most wonderful persons I know.” Gently he stroke Tegoshi’s cold cheeks again. The tough made Tegoshi come back to talk again.
“I am not wonderful. You’re thinking wrong of me.” He whispered. With big round eyes full of sadness and fear he was staring at Ryo, who looked at him with a serious face.
“Well, even then I’m fine with it.” And he leaned down to Tegoshi again.
What am I doing?!
