Rock'n'Roll Dreams
(Song: Meat Loaf – Rock’n’Roll Dreams Come Through)
Rock’n’Roll Dreams
You can’t run away forever
But there’s nothing over getting a good head-start
Dean had tried to forget, he really had, but in the end there were things you just couldn’t run from.
You wanna shut out the night
You wanna shut down the sun
You wanna shut away the pieces of a broken heart
To know he had given in, to remember what he had done to all those people, was a burden too heavy to bear.
It hurt so bad when new memories emerged every day, things he had forgotten, first arisen from the dead.
He knew Sam felt something wasn’t right, but he didn’t want to tell him, didn’t want to tell his little brother about all the vile things he had done to just stop the pain.
Think of how we’d lay down together
We’d be listening to the radio so loud and so strong
Every golden nugget coming like a gift of the gods
Someone must have blessed us when he gave us those songs
The time before hell seemed so very far away now.
Dean tried to remember the good things, the times he laughed with Sam; when he put itching powder in Sam’s clothes, and Sam glued his hand to a beer-bottle.
The times they just sat next to each other in the Impala, listening to songs Dean knew so well he sang along without even noticing.
He didn’t tell Sam about what he remembered, until it finally was too much to shoulder for him alone.
He was so very afraid of Sam judging what he had done, condemning him, that he couldn’t look him in the eyes doing it.
What if Sam left him again?
He had done so before – for much lesser a reason.
But Sam didn’t leave.
Sam would never leave him again.
I treasure your love
I never wanna lose it
You’ve been through the fires of hell
And I know you’ve got the ashes to prove it
Sam now knew how it was to be alone – to really be alone.
He hadn’t been this lonely after Jessica’s death, because there always had been Dean to put the pieces back together.
With Dean gone, there hadn’t been anybody, anybody to still the pain.
Sam had been alone for six months, waking up to every new day with the single thought that he had failed to save the one person he loved more than anything, the one person he couldn’t live without.
I treasure your love
I wanna show you how to use it
You’ve been through a lot of pain in the dirt
And I know you’ve got the scars to prove it
And then Dean had come back.
He had been the same, flawlessly perfect on the outside, seemingly unchanged on the inside.
Sam knew from the beginning it was too good to be true.
Things never were that easy for him and Dean.
There always was a catch.
Remember everything that I told you
And I’m telling you again that it’s true
When you’re alone and afraid and you’re completely amazed
To find there’s nothing anybody can do
When Dean told him, Sam felt the urge to hold him, to tell him everything would be good for a change, but he just couldn’t.
He wasn’t able to believe it himself.
But the need to ease Dean’s pain grew in him, even if he didn’t know what to do.
He just wanted to hold him.
Keep on believing
And you’ll discover baby
There’s always something magic
There’s always something new
And when you really, really need it the most
That’s when rock’n’roll dreams come through
He didn’t do it for a very long time.
Day after day passed, with Sam and Dean sitting in the Impala next to each other and still so very far away, listening to the same old songs over and over again.
The beat is yours forever
The beat is always true
And when you really, really need it the most
That’s when rock’n’roll dreams come through
For you
Almost two weeks later, Sam finally snapped.
He was driving, Dean on the passenger seat beside him, trying to sleep.
Even with the music blasting out of the speakers, there was no mistaking the pained moans escaping Dean’s mouth.
The nightmare was evident in his uneasy squirming, and Sam’s throat closed in on itself, as he choked on the uncontrollable need to help him.
Once upon a time was the backbeat
Once upon a time all the chords came to life
And the angels had guitars even before they had wings
If you hold on to a chorus you can get through the night
Sam absent-mindedly asked himself if Castiel knew, while he parked the Impala by the side of the road.
He asked himself if Castiel knew about the nightmares and the pain his brave little soldier was in, because he had deemed him useful and ripped him from his grave.
He was grateful, he really was, but he still wondered if Castiel cared.
He tuned the music down and put his arms around Dean, held on to him as Dean awoke from his nightmare with a start and tried to escape the arms that held him captive.
He didn’t say a word, waited silently for Dean to notice it was him.
I treasure your love
I never wanna lose it
You’ve been through the fires of hell
And I know you’ve got the ashes to prove it
There was a noticeable shudder going through Dean’s body when he finally did, and Sam held his breath, waited for Dean to tell him to piss off, but Dean kept quiet, his breathing eventually evening out.
I treasure your love
I wanna show you how to use it
You’ve been through a lot of pain in the dirt
And I know you’ve got the scars to prove it
Minutes passed without one of them speaking up, and when Dean finally relaxed against Sam’s body, it was salvation.
Sam closed his eyes, holding back the tears burning at the back of his lashes.
He tried to calm his breath, wanted to be the steady rock Dean had always been for him.
Remember everything that I told you
And I’m telling you again that it’s true
You’re never alone, cause you can put on the phones
And let the drummer tell your heart what to do
He remembered all the promises he had made, the one to save Dean the one impossible to keep, and he shuddered under the wave of guilt rushing through his body.
He had to believe it wasn’t too late to save Dean.
He wouldn’t fail one more time to do so.
Keep on believing, and you’ll discover baby
There’s always something magic
There’s always something new
And when you really, really need it the most
That’s when rock’n’roll dreams come through
Sam didn’t even notice pressing Dean closer to him.
Only when Dean closed his fists around the front of his worn shirt, he opened his eyes to find Dean actively seeking out his nearness, his eyes still closed, and the expression on his face peaceful for the first time in weeks.
It had been years since Sam had been this aware of his own heartbeat.
The beat is yours forever
The beat is always true
And when you really, really need it the most
That’s when rock’n’roll dreams come through
For you
The End
